writings on the wall

last post on wodinaz
moved.
last thing done
was clean up Whale's grave today.

i hate what you are now.
i hate what you've become.
all your lies and all your tears.
all the broken promises you put on repeat.
change is not hope
change is not about waiting
you all can wait for change all you want
wait till pigs fly or til God ends everything.
what happened to all the tears you wept?
to all the feeling of sorrow and regret?
it all went to dance, drinks and drugs.
all of you. every single one of you.
Pieces of shit I knew as friends.
Pieces of shit who used me again and again.
All you pieces of shit who made me feel like they cared.
Fuck you and you and you and you and you.
This is arrogance and anger you might say.
You might even say I'm having that mood and angst and what ever.
I'm tired of you, you and you and you and you.
Lies, lies, lies, failed people of the book.
You tell all lies.
No prayer can help you.
No messiah can save you.
No friend will be there for you.
Because you refuse to open your eyes.
Enjoy and bask in the rays of enjoyment.
In pretense and laughter.
Where everybody's everybody.
Where you're a big fuck.
A fighter.
A winner.
Fuck you and your own world.
Fuck you and your group.
Friends?
Hahahahahahaha
This is the end of the nice me.
Nice guys do finish last.
But we're no longer in the same race.
You sick demented pieces of shit.
Wake the fuck up.
Grow the fuck up.
Every single one of you.
For goodness sake.

because i am never good enough
to have you love me the way i want you to
i can't force anything upon you
but i just can't stand knowing there was someone else
i lost my heart when i gave it my all
and never felt the same ever again.
i am your perfect imperfect friend.

because i am never good enough
to have an ambition since young
because i know that one day
i'll only fall and hurt myself
i'll let you down and make you sad
o Mother so dear.
i am your perfect imperfect son.

because i am never good enough
i always tried saying no.
i tried pushing it away.
but these pills always come back.
these thrills always come back.
i tried so many times.
i am not who i remembered, me.

i am hurt beyond grace
i am hollow deep inside
i put myself on fire and ice
i am void of love
i am void of dreams
i am void of hope.

legalize murder.

skin separated from flesh
flesh separated from bones
bones separated from spirit
this shell of a body feels detached
its a funny thing
to not be able to think of what to write
yet your fingers...all they do is type
you don't feel
it just flows
no emotions, no pain, no happiness
just pure will at its natural form
i took a step
i told myself i want to change
no.
i told myself that i needed to change.
oh fool, i hope you don't trick your own self this time.
can't you see your body's been taken away
can't you feel the numbness in your fingernails
God.
my eyes burn every moment they open.
the heaviness of it all
like a violent medley of waves crashing.
it never stops.
till i sleep.
but i'm a fool.
Fool, just go to sleep.
no.
time is the purity of life.
time, love and ambition.
time i have what i have and i'm pushing it to the limit.
love, i don't know if i'm entitled to this.
and ambition, perhaps it takes a lil bit longer to figure this one out.
21 and i still sway like leaves beaten by the breeze.
forgive me shell of a body.
i have mistreated you.
let me push you to the limit today.
i'll hold on to not resting.

i love it when you laugh.
i love it when you talk.
i love it when you sing.
but i love mushroom swiss double the most.

( hip hop saved my life )
i don't need to get high to fly
i don't need to get high to get by
i don't need to get high to even try
to stop the fears,
to hold back the tears,
to remember the years
when i was sober, happy and bad
in grades, socially and politically awake
when there was nothing to smoke,
no drugs for me to take,
when i felt more alive than how i felt yesterday
has been and always will be a bad ass rebel holding hands with the devil.